This past week I attended a workshop about Sexual Ethics. As I sat in this all day workshop, mean thoughts raced through my mind. One thought was “why the heck do I have to attend this?”, “if this is so important the Bishop had better be there.” Well, to my surprise, the Bishop was in attendance, and as we discussed the importance of sexual ethics, I realized why it was so important.
In all United Methodist Annual Conferences, Bishops, district superintendents, clergy, and laity have dealt with the problem of sexual addictions. What is frightening is that the ripple effect that sexual addictions have on the clergy, their family, congregation, and the conference. The lives of the spouses and children are shattered because of the betrayal of trust as well as the congregation. Not only is there the emotional and spiritual lost, but there is the financial burden that the Annual Conferences face because of money spent trying to counsel and support congregations who find themselves broken and confused. Honestly, after attending the workshop I had to repent for not taking the workshop seriously. Sexual addiction is a very serious matter. I don’t propose to have the answers, but a few suggestions that may help everyone including me to address a matter that remains taboo even today.
With all the information that can be accessed at the touch of a button, SEX remains the least talked about subject. Battles in public schools about contraceptives, STDs/STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections)/HIV/AIDS screenings, and sex education classes are still looming. I have been out of school for close to 14 years. Yet, nothing has changed about this controversial topic. This issue is not whether or not sex is wrong. The issue is getting people to be open and comfortable with their sexuality. WOW! That’s a mouthful.
As a parent of a very beautiful 8 year old daughter who is developing in more ways than one, I am very afraid to answer the questions she has about her changing body. Not only that, but I am afraid to ask her about her feelings and how she may be coping with all of these changes. Attending the workshop made me realize that the Church must be clear about its message about the act of sex. Not only that, but we must be clear about what it means to have an open mind that fosters an environment that is nurturing. The old way of bashing people and preaching a message of fear driven abstinence is unhealthy. Instead, we need to preach a message of love, support, and openness to all persons.
Changing the method of the message: As an adolescent, my pastor (who was also my cousin) preached to us Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life.” Not only was that scripture used, but so was 1 Corinthians 6:18 “Flee fornication!” Let me clarify, I am not condemning the message, but the method. We endured countless youth meetings of watching videos where young people had made the wrong decision only find themselves in hell. There was no grace, mercy, or anything. One tape that remains forefront in my mind is where a young man who was saved met a girl who was not. They had begun dating and while they dated they ended up having sex. The young man repented and went off to college, leaving the girl behind. You can only guess what happened next. The girl goes wild, calls her college jock boyfriend. He comes to her rescue and they go to church. While at church the girl has the opportunity to giver her life to Christ, but doesn’t. Well, on the way home, the brakes go out in the young man’s car. They end up crashing and they die. One goes to heaven and the other goes to hell. No grace, no mercy. My choice of abstinence was not fully mine. I did not understand why I should be abstinent, nor did I have the words to articulate why it was important to me. The message of “Have sex before marriage go to hell and die,” is not the message that we need to send. Yes, teach about the consequences. But sex is not a “Go to Hell” card deal. If we are to support the message of abstinence, then we should encourage it without any false or misleading delusions. Ring ceremonies geared at a specific gender is unhealthy and fosters an unhealthy soul-tie. If youth pledge to be abstinent, both parents need to be involved and teenage females and males need to be encouraged and supported.
When I had questions about how to deal with the desire of “temptation,” I was told to pray. What if for those persons who pledged abstinence, they had a support group of peers or adults who are in healthy monogamous relationships with people they are committed to and they are abstinent! To fight the threat of sexual addictions is to have people that are connected with each other and the goal of abstinence is supported by all. The therapist in our session mentioned that people who had unhealthy relationships with their parents because of parents being too rigid or disconnected were often prime candidates for sexual addiction. Those pledging abstinence could find that support in their church or youth group. Likewise, the parent could also be in a group that fosters that atmosphere of openness and sharing with other parents.
I love my church and I love the people that I serve. I love my colleagues and I love the men and women who are out on the front-lines. But, for those who have admitted to sexual addictions and for those who may encounter persons with sexual addictions, our method needs to be reconsidered. We need to be honest with who we are and understand that sex is a beautiful gift given to us by God. However, the enemy has distorted that beauty. I want my son and my daughter to grow up in a home that embraces them as creative, smart, articulate, beautiful, sexual people. I want them to have healthy forms of intimacy with their life partner who loves them with the love of God. As a pastor, I want those in my congregation to have healthy forms of intimacy with their life partners and to experience the love of God by their souls becoming one.
What has been given to us by the Creator has become disfigured and perverted by the created. Clergy need to encourage honesty and openness about sex. Our method of brow beating and “holy terror” needs to stop. Instead we should embrace our sisters and brothers in love, support, and encouragement. Maybe then, the abuse and addictions can stop and the healing can begin.
